My kids and I have been working hard to rewire our brains over the last few months. Meditation, writing, talking, nature, crystals and creativity are helping to heal the deeply damaged parts of our souls. The kids are acting out their trauma less and less, we are not quite there yet but we are on the right path. PTSD is messy. There are some questions I just don't know how to answer. I'm proud of how understanding they are. More and more painful memories are resurfacing, things I had mentally blocked out but my babies have etched into their minds. Memories they didn't feel brave enough to talk about until now.
The guilt I feel for trapping us in that toxic environment because I was too weak to speak up is immeasurable. Too afraid he would follow through with his threats. For believing his lies, believing it was my fault, if I just loved him more and complied more then it would please him and everything would be as perfect as I made it out to be. 'Focus on the positives' does not apply to those living with domestic violence. No amount of positive thinking can save you from a personality disordered drug addict. No amount of unconditional love will fix a narcissist. They are soul sucking, emotional vampires. Coming to terms with everything has been incredibly hard for me, I can only imagine how difficult it is for my kids. We are all learning the importance of feeling heard and not dismissing each other's feelings. Validation is paramount in our journey to healing.
The countless hours I spend pulling all nighters with crying babies, researching gentle parenting and emotional intelligence is paying off.
I am here, I choose to be here, every minute of every day I show up and pour my all into these 6 little people. Some days I stumble, but I always get back up with precision focus and determination. They see all of me. I embrace motherhood, in all its messy glory.
Our hormones are balancing out, returning to normal levels the longer we go without hearing his voice. The triggers are still strong but they will not define us nor hold power over us once we conquer them. I'm teaching the kids how to increase their oxytocin levels. After living in a constant state of fight or flight for so long, our bodies are flooded with adrenaline and cortisol.
The healing comes with reconnecting. We hug more often, holding our embrace just that little bit longer to ensure optimal oxytocin flow. We hold hands, rub noses, play tickles. The neck squeezes and whispers of "I love you more than anyone in this whole universe" are my favourite. We laugh more, play more, help more.
As long as we have each other, we will shine.