Slime Baff. 

So, you're thinking of trying out this gooey bath time 'fun'?

Here's my advice:

DON'T DO IT! 

I would rather gouge my own eyeballs out with a rusty spoon, Salad Fingers style, than endure this kind of shit storm ever again.

It was a bad choice, who's idea was this?  

This is how shit went down when my brilliant idea turned into a near death experience. 

One minute there's 6 slimy little bodies sliding around the bath laughing, giggling, having the time of their little slime covered lives. The next minute someone is drowning, another one has concussion and one's slipped arse up trying to get in the shower to wash the shit off so they may live to see another day. 

One of the kids slipping in slime screams "MUUUUM" and reaches out for my hand. I want to help but touching any part of their slime covered body results in me being covered in slime and them slipping straight out of my hands. Scary thoughts are now shooting through my brain "OMG my kid is going to drown in slime and there's nothing I can do to save them, how will I ever live with myself and explain this to people?"
I reach back in for a better grip, under the arms this time. Oh hell nope πŸ‘ŽπŸΌ They just keep slipping and spinning and all the scary thoughts are causing panic to set in. 

Why the fuck did I buy this shit? Oh right, because my kid was a screaming banshee in the shops and I gave in for a moment of peace. Now my moment of weakness is going to cause the death of said child.
Who put me in charge of making decisions? I can't believe they're allowed to sell this shit. 

Ok back to reality, I need to think fast. How am I going to get them out of this bath alive? Oh I know, I'll pull the plug out! Why didn't I think of this before? 

*Sticks slimy hands through the slime to attempt to pull slimy plug out but fails*

Oh, that's why. 

By this stage the entire bathroom is covered in slime. It's up the walls, all over the floor, the towel rack, the shower. Kids are screaming. Lord help me. Nothing can save us now. We are doomed. The children are gasping for air, their screams turn to gurgles.

I know! I'll add more water like the box says, to make it less slimy! Water it down.That'll do it.

Oh wait, what is happening? It's growing! What the hell have I done? This was supposed to fix everything, not make it worse! It just keeps swelling bigger and bigger, resembling the slime monster from Ghostbusters. Oh how I wish Holtzmann was here to save us.  

"Not my children, not today Slime Satan!" 

I wipe my slimy hands on the clean towels and leave my 10 year old in charge of keeping her siblings alive while I run to the kitchen to grab a knife. I'll outsmart this slime monster. I'll knife the plug out. Oh the cleverness of me! 

I return to carry out my wise plan. Submerging the knife into the slime to pry the plug out, it slips straight through my fingers.
Smart one Steph, it's SLIME remember? 

Almost conquered, I begin to come to terms with the fact that our lives are about to come to a slimy end at the hands of a really bad decision disguised as 'fun'. 

As I slid down my bathroom wall in a crumpled pile of defeat, my life flashed before my eyes. I felt an overwhelming sense of unfinished business, I didn't get the chance to finish Zelda on the Nintendo 64 with my big brother. My brother is my hero, he would know what to do if he was here. He can MacGyver his way out of any situation. I was really going to miss him. 

And then it clicked finally! MACGYVER! I looked around the bathroom for anything I could use to grip the knife without it slipping through my hands. My eyes darted around the bathroom like Sauron searching for the One Ring, my gaze fell upon one of the kids t-shirts that was left on the floor. This is it, this is what I need! Oh thank you rebel child for defying my rules and not putting your washing in the laundry basket! You've saved our lives with your laziness! 

I wrap my hand tightly in the shirt and grab the knife again, submerging it once more into the slimy torture chamber. 

Determined not to fail as a mum, or just as an adult in general, I manage to pry the plug from the death suction of the plug hole. There you go demon bath drain twister, you can take this slime, but you will never take my fingers. 

Triumphant at last I can breathe a huge sigh of relief! Holy fuck I did it! I saved the day! I'm so proud of myself. Look at me go πŸ’ͺ🏼πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯πŸ”₯ Killing this single mum thing. I've totally got my shit together. We live to fight another day!

Marvelling at my problem solving skills under pressure, I run the shower to wash the excess slime off the kids and return to the kitchen to get the veggie bake and dinosaur nuggets out of the oven. I will tackle the clean up of the aftermath of destruction tomorrow. Tonight I am exhausted from a traumatic slime baff ordeal. 

My advice to parents worldwide, if your kids ever ask you to buy this shit, tell them my story. It could save lives. 

I raise my wine glass to all mum's out there, and my shot glass to all my fellow badass single mums, we got this shit! πŸ’ͺ🏼 🍷 

Say NO to Slime Baff. 

Comment